This is NOT a Calf Implant.

Hey. If it’s socially acceptable to put “Warning! Contains nuts.” on the back of a bag of peanuts, a recipe for oatmeal should seem perfectly normal. Especially given the fact that concocting the “perfect” bowl of oatmeal can actually be quite tricky. Yes, I know: people have differing opinions as to what a perfect bowl should be. But only some of them are right. The rest have clearly been sheltered under the tyranny of Quaker, with its gelatinous dogma and propaganduous cartoon box tops.

The perfect bowl should be creamy, a little chewy from the intact oats and above all, moveable. That is, not a bowl-shaped silicon-ish…calf implant. Some people like it thicker, and eat it with the milk as a separate, cool accompaniment, while others like it all mixed into a spoonable, porridgey (I wonder if over in the U.K., food bloggers use “oatmealy” as an adjective for porridge) creamy mass. With this recipe, you can do either. I like to start with the hot/cold contrast, and end with the creamy mass. By the way, with the calf implant, there are also two ways to eat it: hot calf implant with cold milk, or calf implant clumps with tepid milk. Yum.

Now, the recipe on the back of the oatmeal tube gives a 1:2 ratio of oats to liquid. I find this to produce a thick, overly chewy goo that you end up adding another 1/2 cup of liquid anyway during the course of eating. I’m much more partial to a 1:3 ratio of oats to liquid. This gives you a reasonbly fluid concoction that slowly thickens as you eat it (thus requiring more milk in the course of eating if you choose). Also, if you’d like, you can wait 5-10 minutes after the cooking time for it to thicken a bit, and then eat it (I do it this way).

I’ve just spent three full paragraphs talking about oatmeal. Words escape me.

Makes 1 serving


1/3 cup rolled oats

2 tablespoons Orange juice + enough water to fill a 1/3 cup measure

1/3 cup Water

1/3 cup Milk

Pinch of Salt

Sugar to taste

1/4 teaspoon Vanilla

Handfull of granola or dry cereal

Strawberry compote, or sauce

Extra milk

1. In a microwave-safe bowl, combine the oats, orange juice, water and salt.

2. Microwave on high for 1 minute.

3. Stir.

4. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, but be wary! This stuff oozes over like that one volcano in Hawaii that I’m too lazy to look up on Google.

5. Stir.

6. Microwave on high for another 30 seconds, keeping an eye so the brew doesn’t escape. Don’t worry, you won’t get radiowave damage to your brain from sticking your face right up against the microwave door. I’m reasonbly certain. Kind of.

7. Add the 1/3 cup of milk, stir and microwave in increments of 15-20 seconds (or however long it takes for the oatmeal to start bubbling up) until slightly thickened.

8. Allow to sit in the microwave about 5 minutes to cool and thicken. (note: if you want a fun way of removing your taste buds, dig in.)

9. Add sugar, more salt to taste and vanilla.

10. Here’s where you get to be creative. I’ve done orange coconut, blueberry, apple chai, and this one.


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