This is rum. But in the recipe, I used whiskey. *shrug* I dunno.

When my aunt was in college, she worked a a bar tender at the local bar (which was called ‘The Library’…GENIUS.) Oh. And she was paid in beer. I mean…practically speaking, 85% of an average college student’s money goes to alcohol (95% if their parents pay tuition), while the remaining 15% is divided between tuition, housing and books. Well, it’s actually more likely a toss up between books and food-neither of which are essential. This is all true.

When my mom worked in family law, she was oft times paid in brownies and red velvet cakes.

And now, I continue this poud legacy on the giving end. For fearlessly battling Windows Defense Council and slaying their evil demon virus that had descended upon my otherwise virginal, holy and pure laptop, Dad Murray shall be paid his weight in gold….en whiskey balls. And by “his weight”, I mean about three-quarters of a pound.

Close enough.

When I was in college, I created this recipe for a bake sale to raise money for something or another. They were gone in under 10 minutes. I wasn’t there to witness the spectacle, but the table tenders informed me, as well as announced that they had newly christened the rum balls, “Crack Balls”. Now. Although I’ve never personally experienced cocaine, or condone its consumption, I’d have to concede that these seemingly innocent balls are similarly addictive.  Here’s an errant thought (which I have way more often than a normal person should): what if crack addicts replaced the white stuff with these balls?!

They’d go from the war on drugs to the war on obesity.


On the upside, I bet they’d lose those ugly dark circles under their eyes, and their skin would varitably glow. The pecans, don’tcha know. Anyway, I’ve made so many varitations of this recipe that I’ve forgotten them all. Well, most of them. The foundation, though, consists of:

1 box Nilla Wafers

1 2-cup bag of Pecans

1/2 cup powdered Sugar

1/2 16 oz. bag of Semi-sweet chocolate chips

1/2 stick of Butter, melted

1/4 cup Cocoa



This particular variation was inspired by browned butter and my hands-down favorite spirit: Fireball Whiskey. It’s Atomic Ball-flavored whiskey. I put this stuff in my greek yogurt in the morning. I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!

…It’s just really good…

These little nuggets could become a legitimate currency, or the cure for all addictions. And AIDS. And cancer. It could happen. Especially when people like Rick Santorum are taken seriously for things like presidential candidateship. Or when people eat each others’ faces.


(For half a recipe)

1/2 box Nilla Wafers

1 cup Pecans

1/4 cup Powdered sugar

1/4 teaspoon Salt

2 1/2 tablespooons Butter, browned*

Enough Whiskey to bring together in a stable ball

1. In a food processor, whiz the nilla wafers until they become fine crumbs

2. Remove the wafers and add the pecans. Process until they also become fine crumbs.

3. Through the ground pecans, wafers, sugar, salt and butter in a large bowl and poke around with a spoon until the butter is fully incorporated.

4. Gradually add the whiskey until the mixture is of a consistency that you can grab a handful, give it a squeeze, and it holds its shape without being too crumbly.

5. Form into 1″ balls.

6. *Throw the butter in a saucepan over medium-high heat, and cook until the solids sink to the bottom and begin to brown. Swirl the mixture continuously and remove once it reaches a color that’s slightly darker than peanut butter. Mixture should smell like what I would imagine an Angel’s sigh would.

**Also, you know what would be awesome? If you were to roast the pecans. I didn’t think of it until just now. BLAST it! I hate everything! Um. Anyway, just stick em’ in a preheated 350-degree convection oven for 7-10 minutes, or until slightly browned and fragrant.


One thought on “GREAT BALLS of FIRE, MAN!

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