Cell Phone Towers ARE THE DEVIL!

Source Fed and I, we’ve got history. From the cake to the dinosuar heads, our relationship is air-tight. It’s deep. Which was why I nearly peed myself in dispair and frustration (just me?) when I received this:

That’s right. I missed it. It’s like failing an exam because you didn’t think there was a page 4, and subsequently pranced your happy ass out of the classroom thinking how the exam gods had blessed you that day that everyone else was still sweating like pigs in a bacon shop. Well, they didn’t. They, in fact smote you. (again…just me?)

Of course, I was infintesimally mullified by the fact that it was nothing I could have helped. I was in New Hampshire where, apparantly the locals have a deep-seeded, gutteral hatred for cell phone towers. Broke your leg on a mountain? Use your satellite phone. No satellite phone? Get acquainted with the neighborhood wildlife, infection and exposure. My phone didn’t even pick up the voicemail they left. I felt like what a 90-year old gambler must if he falls asleep when his final number is called for a million-dollar bingo game.

I felt so awful that self-hatred turned into guilt for not being there when the awesome Source Fed crew took time out of their schedules to call little old me. I had to set things right. So I did so with the only things I could: art and food.

The recipes aren’t creative because I spent that on the boxes. But, thankfully, the cookie gods liked me more than the exam gods and kazaamed deliciousness into both recipes.

Check it.

Peanut Butter Fudge Crackles

Ingredients

Sugar for the Brain

makes 48-ish cookies….granted you don’t eat any of the dough

1/4 cup Shortening

1 cup Semi-sweet chocolate chips

1/4 cup Sugar

2 eggs

2/3 cup Sweetened condensed milk

1 teaspoon Vanilla

1 1/2 cups Flour

1/2 teaspoon Baking powder

*1/2 teaspoon Salt

1 1/2 cups Peanut butter chips

3/4 cup Powdered sugar

1. Combine shortening and chocolate in a microwaveable bowl, and blast on high for a minute until melty. Remove and stir until smooth. (You may have to stick it in for a couple of 20-second intervals, depending on your nuke machine.)

2. Add milk and vanilla and stir to combine.

3. Add the eggs, whisking only to combine after each egg. Try not to incorporate air.

4. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, salt and baking powder, and whisk to incorporate.

5. Add the dry to the wet, along with the peanut butter chips (if there are any left) and fold just until combined.

6. Chill that mother for an hour and a half.

7. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 325 degrees and prepare 4 (or 2…or 1, but that’ll be a hell of a time) sheet pans with parchment.

8. After the dough is chilled enough to handle, roll into one-inch balls. Oh. and have that powdered sugar handy, because after you shape the ball, you’re going to drop it in the sugar to coat before finally laying it to rest on the cookie sheet.

9. Sticky spoons, fingers and powdered-sugar-everywhere later, bake them up for 11-13 minutes. I like them fudgy, so I aim for the 11-minute mark.

10. Hide from other household members.

Source Fed Sugar Cookies

Ingredients

Clever Wren

1 cup Butter, softened

1 cup Sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon Vanilla

3 cups Flour

*1/2 teaspoon Salt

1 1/2 teaspoons Baking powder

colors

1. Combine the flour, baking powder and salt, and whisk to incorporate.

2. Cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Like a stuffed unicorn.

3. Add the egg and vanilla and beat for 3 minutes more, or until the mixture no longer looks curdled.

4. Add the flour all at once and beat on low until incorporated, and the dough starts to form a ball (maybe 30 seconds.)

5. Divide dough accordingly:

a. Smaller globs for smaller designs

b. Separate bowls for separate colors

6. Make your design. Check out this page for a more comprehensive look at how to do it. I’m too lazy.

7. After you’ve diarrhea’d out all of your creative juices, chill the dough for 3-4 hours.

8. Once you’re ready to bake, preheat the oven at 350 degrees, slice, place on parchmented cookie sheets and bake for 7-9 minutes.

**The goal here is to catch the cookie right before it starts to brown, so that it’s baked all the way through, but the colors are vibrant.

*Added ingredient

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Cell Phone Towers ARE THE DEVIL!

  1. I have to confess….I’m kind of enjoying a little schadenfreude from this post…. I’m not trying to! But…. it just made a happy little joy ball in my chest to read it…. especially the “failing the exam because you didn’t know there was a page four” bit…mostly because I have been there.

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