I-Will-Punch-You-In-The-Throat “Rice”

Remember that cauliflower jambalaya not so long ago? Well, here’s another idea premised on the theory that cauliflower can be used as rice. I say theory as though it’s not actually true…although according to man-purists, nothing subrogates rice except bacon. But that seems to be the case with anything.
For us girly-pansy-worry-about-our-thighs-girly-girls *ahemwhocouldripoutyourthroatoutandtieyoutesticlesinaknotahem*, we like our options to remain open. Rice is wonderful as part of a balanced diet-why do you figure people in Asian cultures are so damn healthy, have flawless skin and thick, gorgeous hair? That’s right. It’s because they sold their souls. But I digress. Grains are a substantial part of any diet, and I dare not circumvent or undermine their inclusion buuuut…too much may contribute to dat ass, or those muffin tops. And if we ate rice or pasta as much as we really wanted to, things wouldn’t be so happy on the keeping-your-diet-balanced-and-healthy-weight front.

SO: we improvise. Cauliflower doesn’t taste like rice. It doesn’t have the same consistency as rice. Because it’s cauliflower. However-comma-it does provide a suitable and delicious base for such ingredients that one would normally have on or with rice. Like eggplant. And garlic. And tiny sweet peppers. You can even through in some lentils and call it “biryani”. But this is not biryani. This is smokey, spicy, buttery something-else-entirely made from stuff I found in the fridge.

These be the peppers I be talkin’ bout’.


1/4 of a head of Cauliflower

1 clove Garlic

1 tiny sweet pepper

Smoked Black Pepper

1 Egg white

1 small Japanese eggplant (about 4 when sliced in 1/2″ disks….hehehe….eggplant disks)

1 Teaspoon butter, melted

2 Tablespoons Alfredo sauce

Salt to taste


1. Process the garlic, pepper and cauliflower until rice-like consiste-WORK-OUT BREAK!!*pant, pant* k. I’m back. -Until it’s a rice-like consistency

2. Season the eggplant disks *giggle*

3. Heat a skillet on high with a couple sprays of Pam and sear the eggplant disks *snicker* until golden brown, then remove from the pan and set aside

4. Spray a bit more Pam in the pan and scramble the egg white. As soon as the white is cooked, move to the outer edges of the pan and add the cauliflower.

5. STOP! Don’t. Do. Anything. Just let the mound sit there on the hot pan, searing, caramelizing and generally becoming delicious for about 45 seconds-1 minute.

6. Okay. Now you can stir it around.

7. Dice the seared eggplant and add to the pan. Season with salt and smoked black pepper, and cook, stirring occassionally, for about 5 minutes, or until the whole mixture is golden in colour. Heh. Maybe I should start spelling stuff as if I were English. T’would be fun.

8. Transfer to a bowl, drizzle over the melted butter and Alfredo sauce-if desired-and chow down.


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