Better than Cats.


No big adventure here. I saw it. I was like, “Holy crap, that’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of it? Oh. Because the thought of putting eggs in oatmeal was disgusting ” But I figured the potential sacrifice of a breakfast one day was worth the promised greatness. And it was indeed greatness.
It was a greatness to rival Sotamayor’s evisceration of SSM opposition. Greatness equal to George Takei’s wit, gay men who steal your girlfriends and Nyan cat. Yes, friends. This. Was. Awesome. Not only is it probably the best oatmeal I’ve ever had (including butter-soaked, brown-sugar-covered, whiskey-laced rolled oats cooked overnight), but it’s filling and healthy. Did I mention filling? And healthy? Think about it. The girth of any oat product comes mostly from water (how 1/2 cup turns into an entire cup). Oat bran is like oatmeal at a pie-eating contest. That stuff soaks up water and expands like a sponge (or that tiny Asian woman who can eat her weight in hot dogs). 1/3 cup turns into 1 1/3 cups.

Look at that unctuousness...LOOKATIT!!

Look at that unctuousness…LOOKATIT!!

Did I mention that a 1/3 cup of oatbran is all of 80 calories? Add an egg white and you’ve got a grand total of 95. Boom. 95 friggin calories of colon-scraping fiber and slow-digesting protein. Bitch-slap that fat in the face and throw a toast and cheers to muscle tissue. Sub the brown sugar with stevia, and you’re gravy. Or not. It’s not like you can’t afford some molasses-y goodness. Butter? Unnecessary. True story.

I like almond milk because it’s low-calorie and has more nutrients than your run-of-the-mill, hormone-ridden, sterilized, antibiotic-resistant, unhappy cow milk. And it’s cheaper than organic milk. Whose regulation is sketch anyway…but that’s another post and a 50-page peper.
Also, it takes 7 minutes. That’s if you have to take a poop break before you turn the stove on.


1/3 cup Oat bran (get the bulk, it’s cheaper and apparently lower calories than, say Bob’s or Hodgehill)

1 1./3 cups Water

1 egg white (free-range it. Trust me, you don’t wanna know what comes out of a typical chicken’s butt…or egg-laying apparatus. You can use the whole egg–this will make it richer, creamier and higher-calorie. Choose your priorities)

Salt to taste

Sweetener to taste

1 tablespoon Almond milk (+ more for eating with)


1. Bring the oat bran, water and salt to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring

2. Cook until thick

3. Whisk the egg white with the tablespoon of almond milk until frothy

4. Add a bit-o-the oatbran to the egg and stir

5. Add a bit more-o-the oatbran to the egg to bring it up to temperature so scrambling is kept at a minimum

6. Add the egg to the oatbran and return the pot to the heat.

7. Cook another minute or so until thick.

8. Add accouterments and eat. Slowly fool! This stuff is meant to be savored.

It, in the words of my gay Austrian pastry chef instructor, “Better than Cats.”


2 thoughts on “Better than Cats.

  1. Hey, it’s been a while since I came and annoyed you, but OMG PUT A PINTEREST BUTTON ON HERE ALREADY. I need to pin everything you’ve ever written so I can eat like a king for the rest of my life.

    • Done! I think. Also, I’ll be posting another article tomorrow. Staaaaay tuned! (I may or may not be delusionally tired at the moment)

      Sent from my iPad

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