Off to Save the World, BRB.

ice cream 2

I must have done something right. Not only right, but awesome, benevolent and downright goodly. I say this because I am a firm believer and proponent of karma, and because something has happened to me that can’t be explained any other way.


My other mother has purchased me an ice cream machine.


Like I said: inconceivable.


Another theory is that I am the chosen-born, fated to lead this world to victory over all ills ever to have blighted its sparkling sapphire surface. And as the chosen one, the universe has seen fit to provide for my protection and welfare by sending guardian angels to watch over me and furnish me with the tools necessary to carry out my holy task.

ice cream 3

Or maybe there are people out there who are just good people. People to do things for other people unmotivated by their own self-interests. People who love unconditionally and care only to make small differences in the hope that one day they’ll aggregate to become what the world should be: understanding, loving and tolerant.


Whatever the reason, I now have an ice cream machine. There’s no stopping me now.


There it is, friends. The Holy Vessel.

There it is, friends. The Holy Vessel.

Plainly elated, I sought guidance on what to create first. And who better than my guru-fiancé, Ryan. He knows everything. And true to his nature, he did not disappoint. “Well, I like cookies and cream.”




“But not the kind you get at the store.”




“I like the actual ice cream to be Oreo®-flavored—not just vanilla with measly pieces of Oreo® in it.”




Back in culinary school, we made everything-flavored ice cream—from green curry and chocolate to cinnamon bun. When flavoring the ice cream with another dessert, the preferred method was simply “infusing” (fancy term for soaking) it into the heavy cream after we’d dissolved the sugar. Oreos® are appropriately soakable, so I thought this would come together like…Oreos®…and…milk…(reluctant punner strikes again).


Not only were the Oreos® well-suited for ice creamery, but they were so well-suited…that they completely disintegrated. At first I was worried that the chemical balance would be so off that the ice cream wouldn’t freeze properly (too much fat, too much sugar, addition of starches and preservatives)-but I was wrong to lose faith. The universe: “I got this.”


Add milk, sugar, salt and empty another container of heavy cream, and you’ve got homemade ice cream. There’s something so magical about making food that you’ve only ever bought in stores; like bread, cheese, butter and ice cream. Freedom. The thought that you are no longer bound by Corporate America to buy their products because their products are the only way you can get any product of that type.


No more!


And if you don’t have an ice cream machine, fret not. Buzz the Oreos® and a can of sweetened condensed milk in the food processor, whip two cups of heavy cream, fold, and freeze.



1 cup Whole milk

1 ½ cups Oreos®, smashed and divided

¾ cup Sugar

2 cups Heavy cream

Pinch of Salt


1. Combine sugar, ¾ cup Oreos® and milk in a heavy saucepan and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally

2. In the meantime, prepare an ice bath (one big bowl over a bigger bowl filled with ice and water)

3. The minute the milk boils, take it off the heat, stir to break the stubborn remaining pieces of Oreos® and transfer to the top bowl of the ice bath

4. Stir until the mixture is luke warm or room temperature, then add the heavy cream and stir to combine

cream 2


cream 1

5. Churn according to your ice cream machine’s instructions.

6. Just before the ice cream is done, add the remaining Oreo® pieces

cookies 1

7. Freeze for at least 4 hours for traditional-consistency ice cream, or shovel that manna into your mouth in the soft serve state it’s in then.

ice cream1


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